Simon Drake – Writer

Late last night, God conceded ‘Global Warming is its fault’. In the last few hours there have world-wide reports of global-warming sceptics getting on their knees and thanking the Lord, while eco-warriors have joined forces with atheists, anarchists, bored housewives and die hard champagne socialists, all warning that Global Warming is still the fault of the rich and developing countries. Overnight, internet chat-rooms crashed when scientists, ecologists, academics, energy executives and religious figures tried to draw a conclusion from God’s statement, which has been circulated widely, criticised and evaluated from everyone ranging from space scientists, to seismologists and star gazers. God’s statement reads, ‘I have to profess, before this Global Warming business goes further out of control and causes wars and stuff, that it’s all my fault. I repeat, Global Warming is my fault, well not entirely, but around the 97.3% mark.’
The statement continues, explaining, ‘Maybe you (humans) can’t live with the heat, but I honestly thought that after the last major Ice Age nearly knocked your race out of the race, you’d enjoy a bit of fine weather. You didn’t complain last time I warmed the world up, but then again you were a more resilient lot then even though you were hairier, and in the last thousand years you’ve tended to look in to things too deeply. Well, maybe I should keep my eye on the ball, as they say. If you really want to know, I haven’t been paying the best attention to hurtling the earth around the sun; There’s a bit of a wobble in the axis, the earth is tinkering a bit closer to the sun than usual, but it’s not so simple like spinning a milk bottle lid, is it? And then there’s the fire under the crust, some call it hell, well that’s gone a bit crazy too. You think I’ll shut down the earth just so you can have the same weather every holiday? So there you have it, energy exerting from the outside and inside on your thin band of liveable space. Deal with it, or I’ll tsunami the lot of you.’
Church leaders from the Vatican, to Jerusalem and Mecca, have urged their followers to not misconstrue God’s message, and that it’s acceptable to not feel guilty about how much ‘electrical power’ believers use per day.