A Planetoid following a yet to be calculated orbit and comprised of at least six variations of cheese has been detected on a collision course with earth. There is a 7% chance of collision with Earth, various space agencies and nuclear super powers are pooling resources to minimise the threat, but world leaders compelled to combat Global Warming are reticent to act.
December, 2009
Last month unidentified hackers accessed highly sensitive information from NASA’s Near Earth Object Program and released classified data reporting the discovery of a non-orbital planetoid that had drifted into the solar system in the 1950s and is now evidently on a collision course with earth, sometime in late 2013.
Dr. J. Salk of the International Associate for Planetoids has reviewed the leaked data and declared: ‘This is a planetoid, and not an asteroid, yet we can still not ascertain where it came from, only where it is orbiting to. However, now this important classified data is freely available, we can accurately determine that earth has a 7% chance in coming into contact with it – the precise results are hard to fathom but it’d make a nuclear winter look like tea and biscuits.”.
Cheese Planetoid Conspiracy of Silence
Many scientists are wondering why the Cheese Planetoid was kept secret so long, or why there had not been until now, more publicity. A source, close to the European Space Agency, Dr. Niel Bohr, explained: “Most of us (scientists) had to choose between Global Warming or Global Cooling… We had some hard evidence from Viking 9 of this wandering planetoid, but I guess we were caught up with hot air when we really should have been focussing on inter-galactic cheese. There are no grants for cheese in space, and until that changes, the problem will remain. I guess our only hope is to shoot it down and see if we can survive the Global Cheesing.”
Viking 9 , was launched using a Titan launch vehicle on June 10th, 1975, from a secret military base in the Nevada Desert . After a 22-month cruise, most of which was spent without active communication to avoid eavesdropping by the USSR, it intercepted and swung into orbit around the Cheese Planetoid. It sent surface images and used a sonar to probe the atmosphere. The initial landing was delayed due to a frothy cheese storm on the surface and then when the OK was finalised, Viking 9 began its descent.
Edward Jenner, one of the lead engineers on the secretive Viking 9, elaborates on what happened next. “Viking 9 was a special-op – hidden from the (U.S.) government and run as a discreet military program. When Viking 9 swung by and begun a survey we were astounded, and we had no idea what it really was. We could see the planetoid was big and the atmosphere ‘creamy’ but as we are Americans and not very well versed with cheeses, except for processed cheeses found in cheeseburgers, we couldn’t understand what it was – until now.”
However, the treasure trove Viking 9 uncovered was sealed up indefinitely.
Edward continues, “So we ordered Viking 9 down there. Previous Viking missions had touched on Mars, so it made sense that Viking 9 should dig into the surface. At the time Cheese Planetoid was simply named X53. Within minutes of Viking 9 landing on X53 we knew we had problems. First, we didn’t have the right tools for the surface, like a proper cheese knife. Only the Europeans have that kind of hardware. Second, when the sun rose, the cheese surface got warm and Viking 9 started sinking. Soon it was soon submerged under a whitish yellow substance. After that, with budget cuts and the Cold War on, the Pentagon canned any follow up exploration.”
Yet for all the U.S. efforts, secrecy and expenditure of tax payers dollars, they were not alone.
In 1988 the Russians planned to launch a top secret mission to explore the closing in mystery planetoid. Using their experimental space shuttle Buran, they would launch a specially designed interceptor. However, as the wall came down, so did their ambitions.
Why the Secretive Status?
Leading scientists have discussed the cold war superpower’s reluctance to disclose the necessary evidence. Dr. Niel Bohr has a few explanations: “X53, now known as the Cheese Planetoid, was a major discovery – yet a discovery without a proper idea of what it means is dangerous. After the Roswell incident, governments have been reluctant to expose themselves, and their information gaps, when it comes to things from outside our atmosphere. Besides, explaining to your voters or constituency that aliens exist is best left to science fiction hacks and Hollywood, but how do you explain a Cheese Planetoid is en-route? Where do you start? Do you get a celebrity chef to tell the world, or the Pope? Then there’s the denial issues: We the U.S., NATO, the Brits, the Ruskies, Germans and French, knew back in 1991 this was happening but then things started to get in the way of an international announcement… The dismantling of the Soviet Union… The establishment of the European Union… And now Global Warming is the issue. We wanted people to know, but then we didn’t or couldn’t (tell them). I guess we simply subconsciously denied to ourselves that it couldn’t happen – ever. Nuclear war and global warming was a better alternative than a collision with the Cheese Planetoid. But now with this leak, it’s out there.”
To some yes it is out there, but many are still wondering, what exactly is out there?
Dr. Niel Bohr elaborates. “The Cheese Planetoid poses many, many problems… How do you explain to many cultures and religions that a planetoid of cheese – a living bacterial sphere two thousand kilometers wide – has between a five and six point eight percent of smothering the surface of the earth like an upturned fondue? Denial is better. It is still hard work trying to find life, and trying to find intelligent life may take thousands of years, but with this cheese thing, the tables are turned.”
How Dangerous is the Cheese Planetoid?
As there are climate change deniers, there are also so Cheese Planetoid Deniers. However the difference between the two is startling: Amateur observes have just recently begun to observe and track the Cheese Planetoid. Two independent scientific studies were combined as quickly as they were written to give the following picture of what will happen.
These four scenarios off a slim chance of total cheesing:
1. 59% Chance – Total Cheese Miss. In this scenario the Cheese Planetoid passes earth without any impact. It would be visible to the naked eye, and cause considerable anger among fanatically religious cultures.
2. 33% – Close Cheese. The Cheese Planetoid passes within earth’s gravitational field and exits, yet causes extreme discomfort; unsettled tides, volcanic eruptions, confusion among livestock (e.g. cows, goats, cheese enthusiasts).
3. 1% – Moon vs Cheese. The moon could sacrifice itself by impacting with the Cheese Planetoid first. The Cheese Planetoid would encase the moon, yet the moon would still maintain the required mass and orbit to keep itself near earth. The colour of the moon would be altered forever.
4. 7% – Worst Cheese Case. While the full impacts are yet to be considered, preliminary expectations are dire. Steve MacGril postulates, “If the cheese hits the pacific, you can expect a giant tidal wave. If it breaks through the earth’s crust, you’d have melted cheese running all over the earth. If it hits one of the polar regions, you’d have cold cheese top or bottom. If it comes in on an angle into the atmosphere, the prolonged friction with oxygen molecules would heat the cheese, the planetoid would then roll around the earth, melting itself, dripping cheese onto the surface of the earth causing widespread environmental damage.
Edward Jenner is robustly upbeat on earth making it out ‘un-cheesed’. “In history, mankind has faced several seminal events. Being cheesed off the face of your own planet is the next big thing but I am confident we can make it, even if the solution to combat a direct collision results in a Cheese Age”.
To understand the complexities of the collision, we have to understand the exact nature of the Cheese Planetoid.
What is The Cheese Planetoid made of?
Professor Pierre Bonatre of the European Space Agency has assed the Viking 9 images, the leaked data, and images recently collected when a French Military satellite trained its lenses on the approaching Cheese Planetoid. What was uncovered has astounded even the most experiences geophysics. Bonatre explains: “We tracked down the Cheese Planetoid and made several concentrated scans of the surface. At first it reminded us of Ganymede, but then when we magnified for a deeper scan and zoomed in on certain vectors, we began to notice different textures on the surface… All over it appears like a well matured but mixed cheese. So far we have identified five different cheese types: Swiss Cheese, Mozzarella, Camambert, Bergkäse and Blue Cheese. Simply amazing.”
The distribution of multiple cheeses in the planetoid raises new questions: Are multiple bacteria at work or has one bacteria split to make the different cheeses?
A New Space Race to Save the Earth
In the previous weeks the alarm bells have rung through the world’s capitals. A memo leaked in London has revealed that no less than three high level meetings have been held by the US, Russia, Britain, France and China – all nuclear armed and seen as the only saviours.
Mikhail Kalashnikov, an eminent nuclear weapons technologist and author of “Surviving Nuclear Springs” reviewed one emergency plan to thwart global devastation. He has spoken exclusively: “These nuclear powers are proposing the most amazing solution to a very sticky problem, and I am not sure if the public can stomach the outcome: A Cheese Age. What they propose to do is, if the Cheese Planetoid is on a direct collision course with Earth, to fire at least 300 nuclear weapons at it and detonate them simultaneously in the hope of vaporising the cheese planetoid. But as we all know, cheese rarely ‘vaporises’. The disastrous effect could simply create a radioactive cheese spray that smothers the earth, causing more harm than one hundred hypothetic global warming scenarios combined. The results will be devastating either way. Imagine the ice age, now imagine it with cheese.”
Survival rates from at least 96% of the population are 0.003%, while 4% of the expected population to survive have a 56.8% chance of living. Earth’s population may plummet, 49% of all species will be ‘cheesed off’, but life may survive.
Can We Save the Earth?
Due to the Copenhagen Climate Change Summit overshadowing all other tangible threats to human existence and squandering the attention of leading scientists, politicians and vocal environmentalists, the Cheese Planetoid Threat has received very little media attention.
Professor Pierre Bonatre explains the predicament, “As a media topic, it is very low-key. After all, it is just cheese. With climate change, hot air is evidently much more exciting. But cheese, and all the alien bacteria giving flavour and aroma to that cheese, well, it is just so un-sexy to the modern media. If there were polar bears and Amazonians in loin cloths on the Cheese Planetoid, things could be different. As it stands, there is 7% chance that this Cheese Planetoid will collide with earth, heat up on impact, and cheese will rain through the atmosphere for hundreds of years. Once the cheese cools, there will be hardly anywhere on earth that is habitable. We humans will have to live with cheese and learn how to draw energy from it.”
End Note
With the actual collision date expected in December 2013, a nuclear response would come in September 2013. Some theorists predict the United Nations, under the stewardship of the major powers, will blanket all information about the Cheese Planetoid in order to avoid global mayhem.
The Cheese Planetoid can be seen with the naked eye from June 2013, and already with amateur telescopes.
